Marathon training is brutal, boring, and lonely. Winter marathon training can leave you paralyzed with cold. 

I sat on the steps in front of our house, the cold bleeding through two layers of running tights, and gingerly peeled off my gloves. Slowly, carefully, I squeezed my hands into fists, willing the feeling back into my fingers. The key to my front door was tucked away inside a tiny, square front pocket of my leggings. The dexterity required to remove the key made it completely useless as my fingers were stiff and lifeless with cold.

I was a little more than halfway through my marathon training, nearly 12 years ago. The kind of thing that sounds gutsy and impressive in your imagination when you’re mostly thinking about running through a finish line ribbon with your arms raised in victory. In reality, marathon training is brutal, often boring, sometimes lonely, and can land you on your front steps in a state of frozen paralysis.

I would come to think about that particularly frigid day in February in front of our old house in Cincinnati quite often over the years. It took me almost thirty minutes for my hands to thaw out enough to dig a finger into that tiny pocket and scoop out my housekey. It was a galvanizing experience. Yet one more thing that I was willing to endure to accomplish this goal.

Along the way, I came to learn that running a marathon has very little to do with crossing the finish line. It was, of course, all about getting there. The commitment to doing something hard and seeing it through, the pushing myself further than I thought I could go, the inner strength I didn’t know I had. Like so many things in life, it’s the gritty, messy middle that shows you who you are—that’s the good stuff.

Parenting can also be brutal, boring, and lonely. Parenting teenagers can leave you paralyzed with fear. 

Just about the same time of year, eight years later, I sat on our living room couch, an icy fear in the center of my body that was spreading to my chest, shoulders, and down my arms to the tips of my fingers like frost crawling across a lawn.

Our teenage daughter was telling us the horrible things that she had endured for months, most of which we were wholly unaware—her sadness, her pain, how she had been coping, what she had considered. Shock spiraled through my body, twisting its way through my veins, ice unfurling like a rope through every part of me.

I was stunned, paralyzed by this new reality.

Later, I would think about these moments in tandem. Watershed moments, both, awakened something in me. Until you’re presented with a situation, how can you be sure just how you’ll respond?

When your hands are frozen stiff for half an hour, will you quit… or go back out three days later and run 10 miles? 

When your daughter tells you the unimaginable, will you shut down and completely lose it… or will you hold her and tell her that it’s going to be okay? Will you take a deep breath and listen to all the things she needs to say? And will you be strong enough to endure it? Will you stay on that couch and binge Lost, put together puzzles, and eat ice cream for a week until you’re both sturdy enough to do the next right thing?

Parenting teenagers is not a sprint. It’s not a marathon either. 

We’ve all heard the tired analogy… parenting is like a marathon (because, you know… it’s not a sprint!) I’m here to tell you that it’s not a marathon, it’s training for a marathon. 

It’s hard and unappreciated work. It’s when you think you cannot possibly go any further, and then somehow you do. Going to bed feeling like the worst version of yourself and waking up the next morning and trying again. It’s saying I’m sorry, asking for help, laughing at yourself, getting rest, and staying hydrated. It’s humbling, soul-crushing, and heartbreaking.

It’s also, quite possibly, the most beautiful experience of your life.

Emma is a thriving 20-year-old who is studying to be a teacher, lights up every room she enters, and fills our life with joy and laughter. That tender heart of hers that was so broken, is resilient and tough. It whispers to her that she understands pain and that her deep empathy is what makes her so special.

The months of training leading up to the race are with me to this day: the mornings I couldn’t imagine running one mile but went out and ran 16, the sacrifices I made to rest and stay hydrated, and the literal (and figurative) hills I had to climb. 

I learned a lot that spring about running a marathon. Things like, Body Glide is the best invention of all time, I prefer my toes with their toenails attached, and one marathon was enough. I also learned a lot about parenting while sitting on that couch all those years later. 

While I’m no expert, on parenting or marathons, I think it can be helpful to hear from someone with personal experience, someone who’s been in the trenches. Someone who has crossed the actual and proverbial finish line, someone who has just kept going, someone who has been to the dark valley and climbed (or run) back up to the light. 

Here Are My 17 Tips for Parenting Teenagers:

1. Be respectful.

When our teenagers are disrespectful (which they will be), it can be a challenge to keep it cool. It’s so easy to get pulled in and start yelling. But if you talk down to your teenager or belittle them, it only harms the relationship, and the message, so often, is lost.

When all we do is yell, kids usually only hear the yelling. Respond firmly and with respect, letting your kid know your expectations, their responsibilities, and the consequences.

2. Keep lines of communication open.

It’s never more important to keep up communication than during the teenage years. Regular chats and check-ins are crucial. Letting them know that you’re there for them, for emotional support or just talk about their day can be fuel for deeper conversations down the road. Developing solid, paved roads of communication is one of the best ways to create a strong relationship. 

3. Be a good role model 

Modeling is one of our most powerful tools in parenting teenagers. The things we do and how we act when we think no one is paying attention can send impactful messages to our kids. The little bits of everyday life can be far more compelling than the 45-minute lecture. 

How they see us interacting with the staff at a restaurant, treating our friends, or talking to our spouse can be more impactful than simply telling our kids what to do. How do you respond to difficult situations like a job loss or a tough family situation? Even sticking with something, like that race you said you’d run or doing Dry January. Your behavior and decisions can have a big influence. 

4. Pick your battles. 

Setting house rules and boundaries is one of the most important things that we can do for our kids, especially when trying to raise well-adjusted teenagers. As all parents of teenagers probably know by now, rules help our kids feel safe. But there are (many) times when those rules might need to be tweaked. When you realize you don’t want to die on that hill or it just isn’t as important as you thought, it’s okay to stand down. 

With two daughters, one who fiercely wanted her independence and one who is likely going to law school, I have the finely honed bargaining skills of a hostage negotiator. When I know I’m right, I don’t give in. But there are plenty of times that I’ve decided it’s just not worth it. 

5. Listen

And I mean listen. Listen as if your life depends on it. Because it kind of does. Listening to your teenager might be one of the most important things you can do for your relationship with them. 

By listening, you validate their experience, you tell them that they’re important, you pick up crucial details about their life, and you increase the chances that they’ll confide in you about the big stuff. I recently wrote an article about this and the one question that has changed everything regarding how I listen.

6. Spend time together

Go to the movies, make a lunch date, or go for a walk. Do something with your kid that they love… even if that means video games. Quality time is harder to come by now than when they were little kids. When parenting teenagers, being intentional is more important than ever. When you’re spending time together doing something fun, it creates a deeper connection and creates an atmosphere for sharing and trust.

I recently wrote an article featuring 115 father-daughter bonding activities, which can be adapted for any parent-teen combo. 

7. Create a safe space

Make it clear that you are a safe place for your teenager. That they can come to you no matter what. The only thing worse than your child going through something bad is not knowing about it. Trust me on this one. 

Offer them unconditional love. Let them know that they can come to you with anything, that you can handle it, and that you’re there for them no matter what. 

8. Know their friends

Knowing your teen’s friends is such an important part of parenting. Peer groups and peer pressure have a tremendous influence, especially during high school, and developing close relationships with their friends is immensely helpful. 

It’s also a good idea to know who your teenager is friends with on social media. This can be tricky, but the more you understand about who your kid is talking to and interacting with on the socials, the more you know about your kid. 

9. Let them make mistakes. 

Our screwups make for some of the best teachable moments. They show us what we did wrong and how we can do it differently next time. 

When we swoop in to save our kids from themselves, we rob them of the education or consequences of the experience. That safety net you’re tossing them that prevents them from hitting the ground and getting hurt also keeps them from learning. 

Instead of bringing them the homework they left behind, excusing their bad behavior, or even using your pull to get them out of something, let them suffer the natural consequences of their actions. Sometimes it’s the best lesson they’ll ever get.  

10. Be mindful of your responses.

Listening to our teenagers with an open mind, being aware of our facial expressions, and thinking before we speak are all important tools in the parenting toolbox. I find this especially helpful with our sensitive young people.   

When we can keep our face neutral, despite their mood swings, and think before we speak, our kids will be so much more likely to feel comfortable coming to us and sharing. 

11. Get professional help when necessary.

There are times when it becomes clear that you’ll need the help of a therapist or clinical psychologist. When you feel like you need professional help, or suspect mental health issues or substance abuse, don’t hesitate to reach out. It might not be so clear, so it’s good to know the warning signs.

A mental health professional can help your teenager become the best version of themselves and offer support, turning what could be difficult years into the best years. 

12. Family time

Spend time with the whole family. Whether it’s a game night, a family trip, or simply committing to having dinner together as often as possible, prioritizing family time builds into everyone. A healthy, happy family is the foundation for healthy, happy kids. 

13. Say you’re sorry

This is a biggie. Parenting teenagers is messy business. When you screw up (and you will), say you’re sorry. Own your stuff and apologize. Not only will this demonstrate your humanity and show your kids that everyone makes mistakes, it’s also an excellent example of how to handle a screw-up with integrity. 

14. Raise healthy teenagers.

Sleep and nutrition are the building blocks for good health and making sure that your teen is getting enough rest as well as nutritious food is essential during adolescence. Beginning the day with a good breakfast is a great start!

Good sleep promotes critical and academic thinking, emotional health, making good decisions, and physical development. The prefrontal cortex isn’t fully mature until around the age of 25 and sleep deprivation can interfere with this development.

Similarly, essential nutrients and a balanced diet are important for physical and mental development as well as long-term and overall health. 

15. Take care of yourself.

The good news is, parents who regularly practice self-care are happier. And we all know that can make all the difference in how we respond to and engage with our family. Parenting teenagers is tough and we need to remember to take time for ourselves. 

This might mean planning a night out with friends, taking a painting class, or even training for a marathon.   

16. Sense of humor

Is there anything more important than having a sense of humor when parenting teenagers? Probably. But a well-timed wisecrack, a comment to lighten the mood, and family inside jokes can bring much-needed levity to many hard or serious moments.

Of course, there is a time and a place, so choose wisely and remember that making fun of someone or harsh teasing isn’t funny. Laughing at ourselves (and each other), sharing TikToks, and playing games are some of my favorite things about my family. 

17. Support your child for who they are.

Don’t let your expectations for who you thought your kid would be interfere with the amazing and beautiful person you’re raising. Whatever dreams or fantasies you have for your child, let them float away in the breeze. 

When we focus on who we want our children to be instead of who they are, we can so easily miss the child that’s in front of us. If that means grieving the version of your kid you thought you’d have, then do it. Find a good therapist or trusted friend and do the work. 

Then, turn to the child that you have with open arms and accept them as they are. 

The teen years can be tough. But the miles are worth it.

There are hundreds of miles, thousands of hours, and endless blood, sweat, and tears that go into the parts of our lives that truly matter. Mostly unwitnessed, sometimes agonizing, often painful… but always worth it. Because it’s the experiences in life that bring us to our knees, the ones that can paralyze us with fear or shake us by the shoulders, those are the moments that matter the most.

Whether motherhood, marathon training, or any other moment that stops you cold, the hard parts bring us to the finish line, they give us the strength to withstand. They batten down the hatches, pull up our leggings, and whisper to us, “Mama, if you can do this, you can do anything.”