An Ode to a Love and a Longish Marriage: 25 Years and Counting

During the week leading up to our wedding (almost 25 years ago), my aunt and I went for a walk. We talked about life, the busy week ahead, and marriage. It was sunny, but the sweltering heat and humidity that would blanket the city just in time for our outdoor reception hadn’t settled in just yet. 

My aunt and uncle have been married for over 50 years and it dawns on me as I write this, that she had probably been married then, just about as long as I’ve been married now. 

Some unconventional marriage advice.

At some point, she looked at me and said something like, “You know, you’re going to wake up sometimes and wonder why you married this guy.”

I remember feeling a jolt of shock run through me. In all the marriage advice I’d been receiving around that time, no one had said anything like this before! I was surprised, but appreciated her candor.

“Yep,” she continued confidently. “Trust me. Some days you’ll be so annoyed or pissed off and wonder what part of you ever thought this was a good idea.” I laughed. What else could I do?

“Don’t worry, though, it’ll pass,” she said with her own laugh, putting an arm around my shoulders. “I just want you to know, it’s not always easy or perfect, and that’s normal.”  

Not surprisingly, this has stuck with me. But not just because it seemed so unconventional at the time, but because it’s helped me through some of the toughest moments of my marriage. In almost 25 years, we’ve been through a lot… job losses, big moves, extended family heartache. Just like any other long marriage, it’s been an elaborate concoction of amazing, not-so-amazing, and everything in between. 

Honest vulnerability is such a gift.

My aunt and uncle have one of the longest and most loving marriages I’ve had the pleasure to witness. I wonder now, if I didn’t have this bit of insight—would their kind of marriage have felt impossible to attain?

If I didn’t know that my Aunt Susie sometimes woke up and looked at my Uncle Ron and thought, Ugh… this guy?? 

If I assumed that every day of their marriage was easy and beautiful and lovely, might I have spent more time worrying about my own?

Instead, the gift she gave me was to know that in the very long life of a marriage, there are going to be moments that suck. This feels so ridiculously obvious at the age of 49 but was so terribly shocking at 25. And this nugget of truth has, sometimes… some of the most important times… made all the difference. 

I’m so grateful for her vulnerability. During a moment when she could have shared platitudes or glossed over anything real, she went to the heart of the truth.

So, as we celebrate our 24th anniversary, we’ll toast to the life we’ve created, how much better we’ve made each other and all that we have ahead. And I’ll also quietly recognize the deep and sacred knowledge that getting through the challenging times… well, that’s the real reason that we’re celebrating at all.