It can be difficult for a parent when your teenager doesn’t want to talk to you. Gone are the days when your toddler curled up in your lap, your little kid begged you to play, or your tween happily joined you on a trip to Target. If your once-close relationship has begun feeling like a minefield of prickly conversations, there is good news!

Read on to find out why it might be happening and what you can do about it. 

On a Monday morning in March, nearly four years ago, I woke up to find everything turned upside down. After I’d gone to bed, our older daughter Emma (then a junior in high school), sat on the couch with her dad and unloaded a world of pain and darkness she’d been holding for months. She described things she’d been going through, terrible experiences, and how she’d considered the unthinkable. 

In the days that followed, we binged Lost, put puzzles together, and talked. I asked her why she hadn’t told me any of this earlier. Why she hadn’t told me this at all. 

Don’t get me wrong, I was relieved that she told Ryan, but couldn’t help feeling wounded that she hadn’t chosen me. Her mom. We’d always been close, even during her teenage years, at least I thought we had. And anyway, isn’t that what moms are supposed to do? Listen, comfort, empathize? While I sat in deep, endless gratitude that she felt good talking to one of her parents, I couldn’t help wondering if I’d missed something along the way. 

Pulling away is normal… but we still want to keep them close.

While it’s normal for young people to begin pulling away from their parents during their teen years, we still want them to confide in us, share details about their lives, and maybe most important of all, come to us when they need help. So often it’s the small, everyday moments that inform the feel of the entire relationship. How we listen, the way we respond, and even the things that aren’t said with words can have the biggest impact.

In this article, I’ll cover some of the possible reasons why your teenager doesn’t want to talk to you and what you can do about it, including the question that changed everything. 

This can be hard work to look inside ourselves and see what we might be doing that’s negatively affecting our relationships. Not only is it painful to address our shortcomings, but we’re the parents here, so we should know better, right? Well, as it turns out, not always. No matter how hard we try or how good our intentions are, we can still miss the mark. 

In addition, according to the National Institute of Mental Health, the brain isn’t fully developed until the mid-20s. The last part of the brain to mature is the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for, among other things, good decision-making. Furthermore, teenage brains are naturally more focused on peer relationships and therefore could engage in risky behaviors since the social benefits could outweigh the consequences. As their frontal lobes continue to grow, so will their emotional and social development. 

The good thing is, once you know why it’s happening and some ways you can fix it, you can reopen the lines of communication and restore the relationship. 

Here are eleven reasons why your teenager doesn’t want to talk to you:

1. They’re afraid of how you’ll react. 

When I asked Emma the painful question, “Why didn’t you come to me?” She answered simply, “I was afraid of what you’d say.” 

Oof. An uppercut to the heart. 

I pride myself on being a soft place to land for both my girls and Ryan. A nonjudgmental haven, where they can tell me anything. A well of empathy. 

And yet, a wellspring of conversations came flooding back to me. Like a bad home movie, I revisited moments when I’d gotten upset, had a negative reaction, or jumped in with a quick fix. Our teenagers might not be as comfortable coming to us as we think and if they’re afraid of what we’ll say or how we’ll respond, we’re going to miss out on a good relationship with them. 

2. Can’t express their thoughts and feelings. 

It’s difficult for our children to put their emotions into words, especially as kids get into high school, and this can be particularly difficult for teen boys. Teenagers have big feelings and the adolescent brain isn’t always great at finding the words to express them.

Even as adults, we can struggle with this, so it shouldn’t be a huge surprise that our young adults do as well. 

3. They’re experiencing overwhelm. 

So many modern teens have an enormous amount on their plate. On top of a full class load often laden with APs and honors, they often have multiple extracurricular activities, after-school jobs, and responsibilities at home. When you add in relationships and social pressures, both from the online world and in person, it’s no wonder that our kids are often stressed to the point of overwhelm and can easily shut down. 

4.  Suffering from anxiety or other mental health issues. 

When it’s more than stress from a busy schedule or a bad grade, your teenager might be dealing with something more severe. Generalized anxiety disorder, depression, and bipolar disorder are just a few of the things that could be at play. Many mental illnesses emerge during adolescence, impacting effective communication skills, parent and peer relationships, and nearly every other aspect of your teenager’s life. 

5. They don’t know how to ask for help. 

For many kids, it can be difficult to ask for help. They know that they’re suffering, don’t feel like themselves, or want to feel better, but they might not know how or where to start. Sometimes it’s hard to take the first step, especially when you don’t even know what it is. They might feel that it’s easier to stay quiet or even give you the silent treatment instead of risking feeling uncomfortable or saying something “stupid.”  

6. You’re still treating them like a kid. 

Remember when your toddler shouted, “I can do it!” or got angry when he wanted to do something by himself and you intervened? In many ways, the world of adolescence is similar to those toddler years. They want agency over their life, they want independence, and, in the case of your teenager, they want to be treated like an adult. 

Older kids want to feel respected and may stop opening up if they feel like they’re being treated like a child. 

7. Afraid to disappoint you.

The worst thing for many teenagers is disappointing mom and dad. If they’ve made a mistake or a poor choice, it could weigh heavily on them, thus shutting down open communication and shutting you out. This can be especially difficult for children who are natural people pleasers or who have parents with high or unrealistic expectations. 

8. They feel smothered. 

Teenagers want to have control over their own space, their body, and their choices. Too many limitations, too many questions, and in some cases, too much affection, can push your child away. 

Of course, it’s okay to set boundaries and have house rules, but it’s also a good idea to check in with them now and then. If your child feels like they have no freedom, no control, or no independence, they’ll likely gravitate away from you. 

9. You’re making it about you. 

When your teenager does come to you, opens up, starts talking, be sure to really listen. If you make their situation about you, they’d have good reason to avoid that situation moving forward. It can be difficult to take yourself out of the conversation. I mean, parenting is nothing if not personal. But our children will be more likely to open up if they feel centered in their own story.  

10. Overly critical.

If your kid is feeling constantly picked apart, they’re going to find anywhere else to be than home. There is probably always something you can find to correct about your teenager, but this is the time to pick your battles. When you criticize everything, not only will your child stop hearing you, but they’ll probably stop talking too. 

11. You’re not listening… really listening. 

To my deep chagrin, I’ve lost count of how many times my kids have told me to put down my phone during a conversation. It’s something that I actively work on and I still find myself scrolling through my email when my girls are talking. 

If it seems as though we’re not interested, our thoughts are elsewhere, or we’ve got better things to do, is it any surprise that our kids aren’t running to us for deep conversation? 

How to Get Your Teenager Talking to You 

Okay, now that you know some of the reasons why your kid isn’t talking to you, let’s discuss some ways to get things back on track. 

In the days and weeks that followed Emma’s revelation, I did some things differently. I listened openly and without judgment, I held her and told her I was there for her no matter what, and we found her a therapist. Slowly but surely, the clouds parted and the light inside of her was shining again. 

It was a long journey, one that will never be over because it’s the journey of her life. But the path that started that morning has led us to more beautiful places I could ever have imagined. 

Here are five things you can do to get your teenager talking to you. Plus the NUMBER ONE most important thing I ask my kids:

1. Be willing to hear it all. 

If we want our teenagers to talk to us about anything, we need to be open to hearing everything. We need to be strong enough to absorb what they have to say. This is true, even if it’s hard to hear, we know it’s a poor choice, or it’s inappropriate behavior. Staying calm in the presence of their painful admissions or big feelings can help them feel safe.

This doesn’t mean that there are no consequences, but to cultivate a healthy relationship, we first have to listen. Try to empathize instead of judge, understand instead of criticize. When we create a safe space for them to unload, it can be the first step toward a more positive relationship. 

2. Spend quality time together. 

Set aside time for you and your teenager to do fun things together. Taking a day trip, playing a game, or going for a long run might make it easier to talk. Growing up in today’s world can be heavy and hard, and talking to you about it can be harder. The most important thing is that you set up a fun, comfortable atmosphere where they can start to open up.

I talked in this post about the 115 things that dads can do with their teenage daughters. Of course, it can be adapted for moms, sons, and for family time. 

3. Help them modify their schedule.

In some cases, it could be in everyone’s best interest to encourage balance. The pressure on kids these days is like nothing we’ve seen before. Between the competition to get into a good college, social media, peer pressure, and society’s expectations, it can feel overwhelming. You can help them by reassuring your teenager that they don’t have to do it all. Express the importance of free time. And modeling a healthy life balance can be powerful. Relieving some of the outside pressures can lead to a better relationship between the two of you. 

You might find out that they’re overcommitted or stressed out because the pressure is coming from you. If that’s the case and you’ve put unrealistic expectations on your child, take a step back. Redefine your motivations and priorities.  

4. Seek professional help. 

Sometimes the best way to handle a difficult situation with your teenager is to find a good teen therapist. If you’re concerned that it’s more than you can handle, a substance abuse problem, or the beginning of a serious mental health issue, the first thing to do is get help. 

Talking to a trusted professional is a game changer for many kids. It helps them develop coping mechanisms, engage in healthy communication, and discuss medications if necessary. Family therapy might also be a necessary step in creating a better, more stable family life. It also has the added benefit of offering parent support. 

And the most important question I ask my kids, the one that’s changed everything… 

It’s simple but effective. It’s changed my relationship with both of my children, how my kids talk to me, and how they feel about themselves:

5. “Do you just want to vent or do you want advice?” 

I first read this nearly a decade ago when I read Untangled by Dr. Lisa Damour. So often, as soon as either of my girls tells me about a situation, I start with, “You should say…” or “You know what you should do is…” or “Why didn’t you tell them…” 

And I can see them deflate before my eyes. I’ve already started managing the conversation and they’ve barely gotten started. 

Instead, I wait and listen. If they have a problem or they’re upset about something, I ask, “Do you just want to vent or do you want advice?” Ten times out of ten, they say, “I just want to vent.” 

So I stop talking and listen. I won’t lie, this takes herculean effort. Sometimes I have to squeeze my fingernails into my palm or bite the inside of my mouth to keep my own self quiet. And sometimes I mess up and start telling them what to do anyway. But when I can keep my mouth shut, it’s always, always worth it. 

Inevitably, one of two things will happen. 

One, they’ll finish the story and then ask me what they should do. 

Or two, they’ll finish talking and find their way through it on their own. Sometimes they’ll figure it out during the conversation. Other times, it takes longer. But when they come to their own solutions or conclusions, it not only builds confidence in themselves, but it builds trust between us. Because they know they can talk to me and not always be “fixed”, that they can vent and not be judged, that they can get something off their chest without feeling like they did it all wrong. 

In the end, this question has done more for my relationship with my teenage girls than just about anything else. Here’s why:

• They feel heard– they know I’m listening to hear what they’re saying, not to fix or solve anything. 
• They’re free to say it… all of it– at this point, I think I’ve heard it all. They don’t hesitate to tell me anything and while sometimes I wonder what in the world I’ve done, I’m deeply grateful that they trust me, that they can confide in me, and that they know I’ll love them no matter what. 
• They value my advice– when they do ask for my help, they usually take it. It might be after a lengthy conversation, usually while sitting on the kitchen counter, but they value what I have to say. 
• It gives them an opening to let it all out– when there is the option to “just vent”, they can unload and get it off their chest, without the threat of reprisal. 

Every step is worth it.

When we feel our older children pulling away, it can be painful. Even though we’re expecting it and we know it’s normal, it doesn’t make it any easier. Independence is an essential part of growing up. But if you feel like your teenager doesn’t want to talk to you, it’s important to take some steps toward healthy communication. Being present, asking the right questions, and listening without judgment are the building blocks of any great relationship. This is specially true with our teenagers. 

I’m thrilled to tell you that Emma is thriving. I write candidly about this experience in an article published here on Grown & Flown. A junior in college studying to be an elementary teacher, she’s smart and works hard. She’s funny and easy to talk to, she talks openly with us about her life and how she’s feeling. The road to openness and healing with your teenager isn’t a straight line. It’s certainly not always an easy path, but the beauty of a path is that you get to walk along it. Together.